My wife is in South America right now for a couple weeks. She took her mom on a trip back home (the featured image). This will be the last trip to South America for my mother-in-law. We spend a lot of time with the in-laws, we’ve gone there twice a week, every week for years – I don’t even how how many but at least 12 years I’d say. If I’m being honest – I’d say there are times that I’d get sick of going there but I owe them so much. And looking back I’m glad we did that.

So I’ve been visiting a lot with the Father-in-law (Jake) since they left, I think its important to treat our elders well and I’m making a special effort to make sure that I keep him busy every couple days and give him complete privacy in-between.

The Neufeld family made me realize what a “normal” family is like and how toxic my family life was when I was a kid. Between learning how the Neufeld treated each other – and how my parents were like at home; we were able to do a fantastic job raising our kids. I also wanted my kids to be involved in church and I have volunteered at church for as almost as long my kids have been alive.

I kind of feel guilty about my own parents – at the end of their lives – I wasn’t as involved as I should have been – there were a couple of times that I definitely should have been there for them and I wasn’t. I know some people have judged me for that and rightfully so – but I don’t think they really have any idea how toxic my family life was, I’m not going into “the worst” on this forum but you really have no idea what it was like when it was at it’s worst. Eventually I never wanted to speak to any of them again, but my wife convinced me what I shouldn’t cut them out completely. Don’t get me wrong – I understood my obligations but there is only so much I’m going to take before I cut someone out of my life (for my own sake and sanity) and my parents passed that threshold a long time ago.

I specifically don’t like being manipulated… my mom had borderline personality syndrome and was a master manipulator. I could feel for her but basically the scenario was this: mom would call me saying she wants us to come down (ice cream, supper, whatever), and then we would visit and then just before we would leave she would ask me to do something (usually something significant) and of course I would agree to it and she would be just thrilled. You might think, well big deal, so what? The truth is mom didn’t invite me over to visit as such, she invited us over on the context of having a meal or visitation but she didn’t really care about seeing us – what thrilled her is the perverse thought process that she got her way in getting us (specifically me) to do what she wanted all along. Why does that make me so very angry? Well the truth is her intentions were always completely transparent to me, she had other people snowballed but not me – I knew what was going through her mind and I didn’t like it.

My mom got a sick thrill of getting other people to bow to her will – whether that meant faking illness, refusing to leave, throwing a temper tantrum, or what have you. She would do ANYTHING to have her way to the point of breaking normal willed people down – that’s how she got boxes of opioids to feed her drug habit. Virtually nobody knows that my mom was higher than a kite most of the time and that only made her borderline condition worse. She loved conflict and starting conflict where none existed and that is only the tip of the iceberg.

What made me angry is that I’m her son, I wanted to have a normal relationship with them, I wanted them to be grandparents to my kids but that never happened. All she ever had to do was just ask and I would have done whatever they needed. She thought I didn’t know, but I always knew she was trying to manipulate me/us/them – like I couldn’t see through all her lies, and those lies essentially ended our relationship. She would say things to my kids that scared them, try to tell them stories that would scare the heck out of them, I caught her and took them away – I had to keep them away from her… why she got off on that shit I’ll never understand – they’re your grandkids for Pete’s sake. I loved my mom as a human being, as God commands us to love – but I couldn’t love the person, I hated the person that she became. I felt very disrespected by the childish way she acted (I think every manipulator has an infantile mind), in life my thought is that if you can’t be real with me, tell me the truth, have some level of trust between us… if you can’t do that then I’m sorry but you’ll never have any part of you in my life. I still prayed for her, and I still forgave & loved her but I walked away from the hope that mom could have any real part in our lives.

My in-laws couldn’t have been more different, they loved me and treated me so well… at first I think they kind of didn’t like me.. I had tattoos, was a drinker, and lived a rougher lifestyle but they understood that my background was nothing like the stability they had given their children, they were formed in a cradle, mine was a crucible. And I guess that’s one of the things that changed me – I had longed for that stability as a kid and I decided “like hell” that I was going to put my kids through what my parents had done.. I wanted to be the best parent I could be, now I still made mistakes and should have done even better but I gave my kids a way, way more stable base than what I experienced; with the in-laws they still got to have a wonderful grandma and grandpa even though my parents failed them.

With that all being said, the most important thing you can do for your own children is to be the main godly example in their lives. Read the bible, sing for the Lord – live for God. I put away all my drinking and partying many years ago, I read the bible almost every day, I pray every day multiple times a day, I lead my children by example, take my children to church now whenever possible, we need to be at church in person, following God deliberately showing our children that there is NOTHING IN THIS LIFE THAT MATTERS MORE THAN OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. I don’t want you to read this and think that I’m worthy in anyway, I’m a sinner who realized how desperately he needs a saviour.

Jason